I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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