I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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