why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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