Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize