So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
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