please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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