Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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