If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
