it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Come back. Shots need mouths.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
