People in love make me want to vomit
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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