everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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