dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
