She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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