Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
