my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
