we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
