That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
