I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
The power of my boobs compel you
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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