nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
