He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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