He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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