doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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