morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
