I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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