i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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