Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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