Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
