You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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