I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
