You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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