I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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