apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
did i just pee glitter
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
