So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Don't EVER smell your tampon
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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