She's never allowed to turn 21 again
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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