so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
