someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
