also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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