Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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