My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
