cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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