good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
You're a waste of cheezeits
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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