90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
