At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
