I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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