nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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