I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
