Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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