I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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