just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
