I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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