I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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