Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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