In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
