drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
