does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
this just has baby written all over it
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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