I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
